Lyrics: Def Ass Musical Theatre Gangsta Jam

We can usually tell whether or not one of our comedy songs is going to go over well by the ridiculousness of what gets left on the proverbial cutting room floor.  “Sherman & Madeline” lost a classic line about urination.  “To Excess” saw some great pet murder jokes that didn’t quite make the cut.  “Def Ass Musical Theatre Jam”… well, let’s just say that there are some wonderful references to having intimate relations with Angela Lansbury that are waiting for their chance to make it into a future song.

I don’t know if we’ve ever had more fun writing a song than we had with this one.

Here’s Anderson Davis, Lora Lee Gayer, and Kate Hennies performing the song in its very first public appearance.

Lyrics after the jump…

Def-Ass Musical Theatre Gangsta Jam

Where my Shiz-witches at?

YO!  I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, ALRIGHT IT’S LIKE NOON.
GOT A SONG IN MY HEAD AND I’M HUMMING THAT TUNE.
IT’S A TRACK OFF AN ALBUM OF WHICH I AM FOND,
CALLED “SO MUCH BETTER” FROM LEGALLY BLONDE.

Backup singers: Omigod you guys

YOU MAY SAY THAT IT’S GAY, BUT IT’S GANGSTA AS HELL.
I GOT POSTERS ON MY WALL OF IDINA MENZEL.
NOT SNOOP OR DRE, NOT BIGGIE OR PAC,
I ROCK LERNER AND LOWE AND HARNICK AND BOCK.

Backup singers: Wouldn’t it be loverly?

GOT A FEVER, BROTHER TRUCKER, AND THE ONLY VACCINE
IS A DOSE OF RICKY RODGERS AND M.C. HAMMERSTEIN.
YEAH, THERE’S ONLY ONE SCRATCH THAT CAN EASE THIS ITCH,
AND I’M SURE THAT CURE IS MUSICAL THEATER, BITCH.

ONCE ON THIS ISLAND.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
AIN’T MISBEHAVING.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
SOUTH PA-KRUPPING-CIFIC.
MUSICAL THEATER, BITCH.

STRAIGHT OUT THE HOOD, THE SUBURBAN GHETTO.
IF MY LIFE WAS A MUSICAL, THEN HERE IS THE LIBRETTO:
LIKE KISS ME KATE, ONLY NOT SO SHREWISH,
LIKE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, ONLY NOT SO JEWISH.

Backup singers: If I were a rich man…

BALLIN’ ON THE STREETS, THE HOES WAS ALWAYS FLOCKING,
SO MY MOM SENT ME TO BOARDING SCHOOL AT INTERLOCHEN.
THAT’S WHERE I LEARNED THE PROVERBIAL SCORE.
IF A DUDE CAN WEAR A DANCE BELT HE IS MAD HARDCORE.

Backup singers: A dancer dances…

THOSE HOMOS KICKED MY ASS QUOTING LAST FIVE YEARS
AND I SAW THROUGH MY AMAZING TECHNICOLOR TEARS,
IF YOU WANNA BE A PLAYER, BOTH FAMOUS AND RICH,
THE NAME OF THE GAME IS…
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.

MICHAEL JOHN LACHIUSA.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
IMAGINE AND TABOO.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
SAYING THINGS ARE FIERCE.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
THE SCHUBERT ORGANIZATION.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.

IT’S A CRIME HOW ALL THE TIME FOOLS SPIT IMPERFECT RHYME.
MISACCENTING WORDS JUST TO PISS OFF SONDHEIM.
WANNA STEP TO STEVE? BOY YOU BETTER BE TWEAKIN’,
HE’S AS GANGSTA AS A GRAND-JETEING PUERTO RICAN.

Backup singers: There’s a place for us.

IF YOU DO, THEN IT’S YOU WHO WILL LEARN SOMETHING NEW.
YOU’LL BE STUCK, BLACK AND BLUE, WITH YOUR SHOE IN THE GOO.
HE’LL ASSASSINATE YOU LIKE HE WAS VICTOR GARBER,
THEN HE’LL BARBECUE YOU LIKE THE DEMON BARBER.

Backup singers: City on Fire.

SO, ALL YOU JELLICLE HATERS, TAKE A JELLICLE HIKE.
KISS MY NORBERT LEO BUTZ AND SUCK MY DICK VAN DYKE.
TAKE IT FROM MY HOES, LIZA, MURMAN, AND STRITCH:
IT’S OLD SCHOOL, FOOL!
MUSICAL THEATER, BITCH.

JASON BOBBY BROWN.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
RED HEADED ORPHANS.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
TV STARS WHO CAN’T SING.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
MAME.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.

NOW THE LADIES ALL ADORE ME.
THE CRITICS CAN’T IGNORE ME.
LIKE EVITA SAID, “DIOR ME”, YEAH, OR MELCHIOR GABOR ME.

I’M A LIGHTER EBB AND KANDA’
A WHITER LIN MIRANDA.
PREACHING LIKE TWO MORMON MISSIONARIES IN UGANDA.

WE GOT PIRATES OF PENZANCE.
WE GOT PEOPLE-EATING PLANTS.
TEENAGE GIRLS WHO DON’T BELIEVE
THAT THEY ARE TOO OBESE TO DANCE.

PUTNAM COUNTY SPELLING BEES.
SAIGON HOOKERS BELTING
TIGHT HARMONIES.
LIKE THESE.

THAT’S MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.

SOLVING PROBLEMS THROUGH SONG.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
TALKING SHIT ON MESSAGE BOARDS.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
CRAPPY MOVIE ADAPTATIONS.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.
GAYS.
MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCH.

I GOT THE SKILLS TO FILL THE PLAYBILLS.
I GOT THE SKILLS TO FILL THE PLAYBILLS.

I GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT FRANK RICH AIN’T ONE.

LIKE SCHWARTZ SAID, YO:
PIPPIN AIN’T EASY.

NO DAY BUT TODAY.

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3 Responses to Lyrics: Def Ass Musical Theatre Gangsta Jam

  1. Tal Weiss says:

    That’s hilarious! But I got to ask, what are the cut lines from Sherman and To excess?

  2. gregm91436 says:

    Oh wow, that is amazing. My friend Allison Posner was just backup singer on NYMF’s performance of this. You guys are the second coming of Gerard Alessandrini. No kidding.

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