In case you’ve missed it, some law makers in Arizona are kind of insane. Fortunately, insanity often lends itself to writing fun short plays.
I will be accepting offers for the film rights.
The Biffterfly Effect
or What the Eff is Wrong With People?
by Christopher Dimond
(CHRIS sits on a subway. A WOMAN enters)
WOMAN: Hey, can I have your seat? I’m pregnant.
CHRIS: Congratulations. How far along are you?
WOMAN: I’m none far along. Zero weeks. Actually, technically, I’m negative two weeks.
(continued after the jump)
CHRIS: I’m sorry?
WOMAN: I’m not pregnant.
CHRIS: I think I’m going to keep the seat then.
WOMAN: But I will be.
WOMAN: In two weeks.
CHRIS: Well then, I’ll give you my seat in two weeks.
WOMAN: So, I will have been now.
CHRIS: I’m sorry?
WOMAN: Two weeks from now, I will have been pregnant now.
CHRIS: You mean, you will be pregnant two weeks from now?
WOMAN: Yes. And so, I will have been pregnant now. Even though I’m not pregnant now.
CHRIS: That doesn’t make sense.
WOMAN: Two weeks from now, I am going to have sex with my husband. We will conceive a child. Thus, I will be pregnant, and will consequently have been pregnant now. And think of what a jerk you’ll feel like then for not having given a non-pregnant pregnant woman your seat.
CHRIS: My head hurts.
WOMAN: It’s kind of like Minority Report. But with fetuses.
CHRIS: I guess…
WOMAN: The seat?
CHRIS: Oh, right. Here.
(He stands. She sits.)
WOMAN: Oh, crap!
WOMAN: I missed my stop.
WOMAN: You made me miss my stop.
CHRIS: Settle down, it’s not that big of a deal.
WOMAN: Not that big of a deal? Haven’t you seen The Butterfly Effect?
CHRIS: Is that the movie with Demi Moore’s son?
WOMAN: In the original course of history, I did not miss my stop, and through a long and complicated series of events too complex to explain here, not missing my stop led directly to me having sex with my husband two weeks from now. But, by having to take the time to explain to a simple-minded seat-hog like yourself how it makes perfect sense for a woman to be simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant, I have missed my stop, thus causing a rift in the time space continuum, and creating an alternate timeline in which Biff is married to Marty’s mom.
CHRIS: I think you’re mixing your metaphors…
WOMAN: By making me miss my stop, you have caused a chain reaction that will lead to me not having sex with my husband two weeks from now as I did originally, thus I will not get pregnant, and thus will not have been pregnant now. You killed the future baby I’m now no longer not yet pregnant with!
CHRIS: Does this mean I can have my seat back?
(She pulls out a gun and shoots him in the face. Confused, he dies. And goes to hell.)